Monthly Archives: December 2012

Don’t be stupid

DSCF7778
Molly in My Rasta Hat

I have never seen “green eye” in a camera before. Weird.

A friend on f.b. who I would say was the original “conspiracy theorist” was very upset over the 2012 ers. He thought it should be obvious to one and all that it wasn’t going to happen. I thought it was weird of him. But since I agreed, I didn’t speak up.

A couple of years ago though, his wife bought 500 lbs of black beans and the same of rice because he told her the economy was going to tank and it did. But he ridiculed her for the purchase and she tried to give it to me but I refused it because then if something did happen, she and her family would come looking for me anyway….so might as well keep it for themselves.

Anyhow, on December 22, my friend posted a list under the heading “garage sale”. things like “5000 cans of tuna”. I jokingly said, “Oh, I’ll take the camping stove if you are really not joking.” I guess sarcasm doesn’t come through in writing so humor doesn’t either unless followed by this: 🙂 or 😉 or a series of both or “lol”.

He replied, “What do you think?” Obviously.…..But not because of this gentleman being morally or intellectually superior to me. No way. We are just about equal, right down to the snobbery. Its because:

Anybody with the mind to buy 5000 cans of tuna because of the idea of 2012 isn’t actually going to have a garage sale and get rid of the stuff. They are going to wait for the spaceships to land on another day. Or the economy to tank. Or joblessness.   That is why I knew he was joking.

But then, I posted a comment about 2012, all my idea and he shared it with the title, “from a mayan elder”. Uh, hmm……

I let it stand.

 

 

 

Advertisements

Merry Christmas

I hope everybody had a wonderful holiday. I will be answering comments in the next day or so….just been trying to catch up with my daughter since she just got home last Friday and of course getting ready for Christmas.
Thanks for the comments and the patience once again.

A test of strength and endurance

I cannot really believe that I am as weak as I am. I know that I am not the same as I was last year at this time (I began having symptoms right about end of November). That really puts things into perspective for me. So wanting to be superwoman again, I tried a walking exercise video today. The one mile workout is for beginners and it used to be a piece of cake for me if I had not been active for awhile.
No longer. I got a quarter of a mile before my legs stopped liking me. I just could not go on.
However, that is a quarter of a mile I hadn’t walked in over a year so I’ll take it.

I know that I’m supposed to be writing about my feelings here on this blog but I don’t really feel like I have any to share. I am concerned that at the age of 48, my life is now that of an old ladies. Not a fit and happy old lady mind you but the kind of old lady that is a stereotype…you know, a shut in with a walker.

Juicing veggies is going good. I toss in a serving of fruit to get the bite out of some of the more bitter veg that I use such as turnips or beets and collards. Its all good but I am not used to the taste. Juicing concentrates the flavor in my opinion. Do I see results? No. And I don’t feel them. Its only been two days. I have one cup a day. I am not fasting. Maybe I need to.

Its snowing outside and the dental appointment I made months ago for today was cancelled. I was actually looking forward to this believe it or not. it seemed like something “normal” to me.

Jasmine is coming down here on Friday and then we get until just after New Years with her before she goes off to Germany for 5 months. I am not taking this as well as I would like to be. Most likely when the time comes I will feel a little better about it but right now, I do not.
We will drive her down to Chicago and see the boy. I cannot wait! We won’t spend much time down there thanks to having farm animals but at least I get to see him at long last. Its literally been 7 months. It didn’t feel like it.

Sadness

I, like the rest of our nation, am heartbroken over the Conneticut school shootings. Like so many, there have been tears. I was holding it in until I saw our dear President wipe his own away during his first speech on Friday. I lost it then.

People ask, ” who does that to a child?” Sadly, lots of people do. How many missing children found dead in remote locations for example? And war? Gaza?

It’s not guns. The same day as those children lost their lives here in the U.S., a man attacked 22 chidren with a knife in China. It’s not guns.

While I was on my honeymoon 22 years ago, my ex boyfriend was beaten to death with baseball bats for no reason at all, by strangers. They didn’t even rob him. Possibly, this was a gang initiation. Maybe. Unsolved crime.

What makes cold blooded murder okay to these people?

I have a bipolar brother. I know he would never harm another person except in self defence. But there have been times when he needed help and refused to get it. It’s the nature of his illness….in those days, we feared for his life yet could do nothing to save him.

Infact, I doubt his diagnoses is correct. He also takes street drugs and ends up in jail on all kinds of drugs, so he can be very psychotic at times.
The man is very messed up. If one of us could have the legal right to get him help when he needs it, much heartache would be be averted and he might get better. But the law says he is an adult and cannot be committed to a hospital against his will. Nobody can force him to therapy sessions or to take meds.

Now imagine these shooters…could they have been helped if somebody in their family had the right to commit them during crisis? Or would that just prolong the inevitable? Are these people beyond help in the sae way serial killers are?

I remember asking my psychology professor about that and he said that these types of people are beyond help….they will never ever change.

I don’t know.

We own a gun. It collects dust pretty much. It’s a rifle. Everybody around us owns guns. I haven’t heard of a shooting around here in the four years we have owned this place and that’s despite an obvious meanness and hatred that runs though some of the peope around here.

Would I give up my gun to bring those children back to life? You better believe it. But does my owning a gun contribute to what has happened? No.

All these politicians are saying that we need to improve our mental health services. We need to improve access. Republicans want to cut public aid and Social Security. The mentally ill, like my brother, need these services. My brother cannot hold a job. Heck, he can’t even hold a conversation.
It’s all lip service when these same people say they want better traetment for those who can’t function enough to have private insurance. Maybe this will give these folks something to think about.

May the victims of violence all over the world rest in peace. May God comfort the rest of us.

I spent most of my post surgery recovery watching documentaries on Netflix. Eventually I watched every known food and health related ones- from farming to obesity. I think I’ve watched them all.

Tonight, I made my husband watch “Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead”. It was my second viewing and while the film isn’t a classic, it’s got a special something….it shows the truth. Real people. Real obesity. Real denial and depression.

The host, Joe Cross, travels across the U.S while on a juice fast for 60 days. He’s overweight and has a chronic autoimmune skin condition which requires steroids. His goal is to lose weight and get off of meds.
Along the way, he attempts to help people he meets, successfully in two cases. I think the film can be viewed on his website for free.

I needed my husband to learn about this because he’s all for making me healthy, yet every morning, I ask, ” Would you like a smoothie?”, and he always says, “No, I have coffee.”

Twice I made him have one anyway. He liked the first but hated the second.

I try to focus on green smoothies, sometimes using kale and other times using a spirulina powder along with frozen fruit.

Anyhow, watching this movie with him turned out to be the right thing to get him a little more interested in his own health.

The movie focuses on juice fasting and while I juice now and then I have turned to smoothies for a few reasons.
I abhor cleaning juicers. I need alot of fiber right now which juices lack. And it takes alot of vegetables and fruits to get enough juice. We don’t always have enough on hand.

I try to make around a quart of any given smoothie a day and keep it on hand refridgerated. This way, when I forget to eat lunch, I at least have this.

While I do need to take care of my health, the topic of alternative nutrition used to be my hobby. While on chemotherapy, I wasn’t allowed to eat superfoods so the hobby fell away and I forgot about it. I alo felt very dissillusioned that I had colon cancer despite taking pretty good care with my diet. I got over that. It’s nice to have the hobby back.

Yesterday, we went to dinner with friends ( fish fry of course). I am trying to build some sort of social life up here.

Today:
10 minute hobbe, walk, crawl.
Peanut butter, orange,banana flaxseed smoothie ( a whole orange)
Salad twice
Kale,aloe,spirulina, flax smoothie( we need to go get groceries!)
Some knitting
Chanting throughout the day.

Depression and cancer

A good friend is caretaker to her sister who was discovered to have pancreatic cancer recently. Today, my friend and I exchanged text messages throughout most of the day because her sister has started to refuse to eat, refuses to speak to the hospital social worker and is thinking about not going to her next radiation treatment. My friend is convinced that her sister has given up and said that she can handle the attitude but ” I need her to be strong for me.”

While I understand what she means ( and what she doesn’t mean….its not a selfish expectation in other words), i also went through that same mental state in treatment. Its not that we have given up. Its just that we need others to be strong for us for once. At least thats how I felt. I finally screamed out, “For Christs sake, this is not about you!” when my caretakers needed to hear it.

I had always been the family anchor. The person to keep things from falling apart. A devoted mother and wife. My parents had made me a caretaker as a child too. And even though my mom came out to help me, she has hypochondriac tendencies so there was an attempt at role reversal….and much more.

My friends sister has her own family. Her adult kids cannot or will not help her. Her husband works and doesn’t take care of her. She is left alone unless my friend is there. Seeing this at uch a life threatening time can be disheartening in itself.

I explained to my buddy that in all liklihood she feels unloved just when she has the right to expect complete devotion from her immediate family. Instead of getting that, they are back to business as usual. Her life though….its on hold. She sits thinking about how treatment is worse than the disease. About how she’s just buying time- nothing more. About how her odds of living for a couple more years are not worth it if she is going to live in pain that whole time.

I know because that was me. Unlike her though, I cried alot. In between treatments I would wail like a baby to my husband, ” “I’m not going to make it!” And I believed it at the time too.

Its a much deeper issue than what I can explain. Yet I know its a combination of having such a horrible disease, treatment side effects, malnourishment and uncertainty. Any pre- existing issues – emotional, relationship problems, fears, disappointments,etc.- will seem to grow out of proportion too.

It takes a long time to come out of it all too. Its been a few months ince my last treatment and I am still depressed, still anxious. Its a very hard thing to endure or overcome.

Caretakers are a wonder. Most deserve better results from their wards. Yes, we patients love and appreciate our caretakers but honestly, our emotional state during cancer is not completely in our control. Our appetites are not either. We are not being manipulative. Its the nature of the beast.

I am pretty sure too that the cancer patient we are accustomed to seeing in movies is a myth. Courage doesn’t look like an actor in makeup using anger to fight this beast. Anger is a disease too. Courage is climbing up on the radiation platform everyday for six weeks.

As to my friend, i suggested that she speak to the social worker herself, arrange a family meeting and delegate so that the patient feels cared for, not neglected and so that my friend can catch a break too.

On my end of the world:
Did qigong
Had two green smoothies
A quart of nettles, horestail, lemom tea

And I cut way back on sugar today. Thats been out of control.

I haven’t mentioned that I am trying a 30 ” health improvement” kick. Or maybe I did.
Anyhow, off to sleep hopefully.

Have a happy day:)

Walking in the snow

I felt cooped up a bit so went out for a walk in the snow. It wasn’t as cold as it looks. Infact, the snow was turning to slush in spots and right beneath it where patches had melted, the grass was still green.

In years past, my desire for fitness would go on hiatus in winter but today I realized that I could enjoy the outdoors even in snow. I shall reserve hibernation for the days when windchill is dangerous.

Also today, I got brave enough to look up, ” colorectal cancer recurrance symptoms”. I don’t think I have any but its a topic that is taboo. Nobody will talk to me about it, not even my doctors, not even the oncologist. They all think I’m cured. Maybe I am.

I find it ironic that they dare to think so without all their tests. Usually the profession won’t say for certain without thousands of dollars worth of testing.

I keep wondering about how I will take it if for some reason I do get sick again. I guess I’d fight….nothing else a person can do.

So today, I walked for 10 minutes.
I ate well, though I’m trying to switch my focus to vegetables rather than fruit.
I recorded a dream which means I had one.
Some crochet- my arms hurt too much today.

Felt stifled and very tired overall. No meditation. Pain at level 8 most of the day.