I have written probably millions of words over the course of my lifetime but I have never been told to write a journal in an effort to help me along on the healing process. Now that I have been told, it feels really awkward to me. I do believe that it helps with something. It helps to de-stress. It helps to problem solve. It feels less lonely. It gets the creative juices flowing. Maybe it helps to let things go too. I think it does sometimes. Anyhow, here I am staring at a blank page. Trying to fill it with pixels. Black pixels full of meaning.
I was talking to my son yesterday. Both kids are into piercing and they want me to be young and hip just like them because that is who I was until I got sick-youngish and hip. I have concluded that I am old and old fashioned this year. Its a reality but its not who I really am and the kiddies know better I guess but I don’t need pink hair and pierced belly button to prove it do I?
So after explaining to my son that I have a low immune system due to chemo and that I am a bleeder due to Arixtra (blood thinner) which means no tattoos and no pierces, we came up with a plan. I am to become an extreme hiker. Lol! Extreme fitness really but without the bulky gross muscles. We chose hiking because its not an aggressive sport. Its a joke to a point but not really. Everybody tells me to walk (and I like to walk when my feet don’t hurt so much that I would like to have them amputated).
The point is that I need to do something-anything-to declare that I am alive, that I probably did beat cancer, that even if I didn’t, I have life left in me and with life I have fight.
What is gone is that I was a born warrior. And that warrior seems defeated right now.Tattoos and piercing would revive adrenaline I guess but only for awhile. I have to tap into these things on my own. Its there ya know? Its hidden but its all there inside this amazing human body of mine (and yours).
And so it begins, a few weeks before New Years Eve and resolutions. My journey starts now.