My mind races

I cannot sleep tonight. Thought about this journal all day but wasn’t motivated to actually write. I sometimes think a journal in long hand on paper would be better but my hands hurt and I cannot read my own writing.

I also meant to announce this blog to blogging buddies but again, I procrastinated. Theres nothing really wrong with stalling. I’m learning that its okay to do that as long as I limit it to a day or so.

I want to transfer my dreamblog over here too.

WordPress has its faults but it also has some features that I like. I can edit comments. I can ban people easier- not from reading but from commenting.

I really would like a wider audience here. Maybe in time.

Tonight I decided to delve deeper into dream study. Of course one should dream in order to analyse and to do that one should sleep.

I am very anxious tonight. Having bad thoughts and terrible visions related to them. I know the cause is unresolved fear issues. I know the visions are my over active imagination. I just don’t know why I started having anxiety attacks once chemo started and why these attacks have not stopped now that treatment is done.

Such is life at this moment.

I actually meditated for 12 minutes today.
I ate lots of veggies and beans.
I wrote in my journal.
I wore supportive shoes instead of taping my feet since the tape just rolls off anyway.
I laughed a little.
Knit and crocheted

2 thoughts on “My mind races

  1. Hello, made it here finally. I’ve been keeping Sarah entertained now she’s on holidays. I try to catch a few minutes here and there, to read blogs though.

    The fear you describe before and after treatment may be related to the fact you had to face your mortality. Not a lot of people have to do that. I don’t have to do it every day either, but then there is the odd occasion my diabetes treatment makes me feel like the walking dead.

    I tend to give in to those feelings rather than fight them – maybe it’s because I’ve had to do it for so long? Living knowing you could die (feeling like you are physically dying) kind of becomes your companion reality. It’s not the one you would choose for yourself, but it’s the one which comes to visit every now and then.

    Maybe I’m lucky though, as no-one has actually said to me I’m dying and this is how long I have left to live. My treatment is bearable, it doesn’t cause scars or melts parts of my organ tissue. I can imagine your body is in sheer exhaustion mode and maybe that will take time to recover from? You don’t always have to be warrior woman, or perhaps warrior women can still reserve the right to choose when to fight. It’s not weakness – it’s actually strength if you know when it’s time to lay down your weapons to fight another day.

    I like your new blog look by the way. I see the snow has arrived in your parts!. 🙂

    1. Hi Chris, thanks for visiting here:) Hope Sarah is enjoying her holiday so far.
      I think you are right that knowing that I even have “mortality” is different than most people. We all know we are mortal of course but who has an expiration label? But most cancer survivors will tell you that those statistics are not always accurate so even we don’t really have one. Besides, I could go outside and get stampeded by a cow anyway. lol!

      I am trying to make it my job just to heal. I think I thought it would be faster but why should it be? I had no reason to think it would, just wanted it to be. So I try to do a little of something life affirming each day and that seems to help.

      That photo is our tobacco shed, being held up by a beam. Lol. We didn’t put it there ourselves. Snow has melted now but is on its way again. Its pretty green outside still. Very odd year.

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