A test of strength and endurance

I cannot really believe that I am as weak as I am. I know that I am not the same as I was last year at this time (I began having symptoms right about end of November). That really puts things into perspective for me. So wanting to be superwoman again, I tried a walking exercise video today. The one mile workout is for beginners and it used to be a piece of cake for me if I had not been active for awhile.
No longer. I got a quarter of a mile before my legs stopped liking me. I just could not go on.
However, that is a quarter of a mile I hadn’t walked in over a year so I’ll take it.

I know that I’m supposed to be writing about my feelings here on this blog but I don’t really feel like I have any to share. I am concerned that at the age of 48, my life is now that of an old ladies. Not a fit and happy old lady mind you but the kind of old lady that is a stereotype…you know, a shut in with a walker.

Juicing veggies is going good. I toss in a serving of fruit to get the bite out of some of the more bitter veg that I use such as turnips or beets and collards. Its all good but I am not used to the taste. Juicing concentrates the flavor in my opinion. Do I see results? No. And I don’t feel them. Its only been two days. I have one cup a day. I am not fasting. Maybe I need to.

Its snowing outside and the dental appointment I made months ago for today was cancelled. I was actually looking forward to this believe it or not. it seemed like something “normal” to me.

Jasmine is coming down here on Friday and then we get until just after New Years with her before she goes off to Germany for 5 months. I am not taking this as well as I would like to be. Most likely when the time comes I will feel a little better about it but right now, I do not.
We will drive her down to Chicago and see the boy. I cannot wait! We won’t spend much time down there thanks to having farm animals but at least I get to see him at long last. Its literally been 7 months. It didn’t feel like it.

10 thoughts on “A test of strength and endurance

  1. As the non-stereotypical person I know you are (I’m the same, lol) you have the gift of defying stereotypes. That even includes the one about old-ladies. You can still be shut in with a walker, and still be your own kind of person. You don’t have a ceiling your’e working towards as a rebel do you? 😉

    I had an interesting discussion with David yesterday. It was about finances. He seemed to think I was relating the information negatively. I asked him to contemplate I was sharing the information (as unpleasant as it was) because I wanted to look at it another way. My intent wasn’t to be negative, but I couldn’t help but relay the facts as they were.

    He wasn’t entirely wrong, as I have been negative about it in the past. But I had challenged my own stereotype about money, and wanted to look at if from a more pro-active manner – hence, let’s start by discussing the issue. Even though our financial situation may not have changed, my attitude towards it had. He wasn’t to know this however, until I explained it.

    His reaction showed me something I wasn’t aware of however. It’s easy to believe your circumstances have to change, in order to believe you have changed. Life doesn’t always deal out those cards though. Sometimes you’ve got to run with what you have, and express your own character through it.

    So I’m looking at your situation and knowing that it’s entirely possible for you to write a new (individual) perspective on the same old situation. You don’t have to make your circumstances change, in order to change your mind about who you are. If you’re a rebel, you’ll stay a rebel – it doesn’t mean you have to turn the world on it’s head to prove it. You’re clever and thoughtful. That’s how you put one foot in front of the other. That’s how you carve a life out of something overshadowed by death.

    You don’t need circumstance to define you. On the contrary, your character thrives on defining itself. There is no ceiling high enough, you wouldn’t eventually go through. 🙂

    1. Chris, thanks as ever, for the support you give and the food for thought. I knew that cancer was going to change my life forever. I was told that it could be in good ways by other cancer patients. But circumstances are a bit different for me than others. I can’t run off to Tahiti as treat after my illness because we remain in the poor house pretty much for example. I had no idea how long term financial worries would end up messing with my head! Its not like being frugal-or taking a poverty vow. we are poor. Cannot afford to do the things I need to do to get back on track. I can’t afford one more medical bill.

      I am trying to come to terms with a lot of things along those lines and trying to believe that my future is in my own hands. Trying to be proactive. But its so tiring right now!

  2. Hey! Apologies on my disappearing act! In fact, I haven’t read this post that I am purportedly commenting on. But, I just looked up your last blog to catch up and I see that I need to catch up on this one, too.
    Just wanted you to know I made the jump over here (got you in my reader, again!) and will try to be more present.
    I hope you are doing well!

    1. Hi Mary
      No problem since we “hung out” now and then on f.b. I need to still move more blogs over here so yours is next. I might do that today.

  3. Again, loving Chris’s comment^

    I know that feeling of feeling like you’re teetering on the edge of the old lady with a walker thing. And, we both are at that age, really. I saw my mom sort of slide into it. When she started having trouble going up the stairs, she stopped going down them. So, when I felt that same way, I fought back. And, this is what you must do.

    So what if you only made it .25 miles? You are right, it’s .25 farther than the day before. This is how I started running. It really isn’t that hard, you just have to be persistent. And, I know you’ve got that persistence gene 🙂

    I hope Jasmine loves Germany and I am so glad you are going to get to see your son!

    1. Mary, I know my mom sort of walked right into it too. I always wanted to avoid that fate. I was careful to not end up on meds like she was by my age. Here I am actually with only one prescription for pain killers despite cancer so I guess I can count some victories here and there. I am most definitely trying every day to do something. even extra walks up the stairs.

      Jasmine is going in just a few days. Lots of tears here.

  4. Be patient with yourself — inch by inch… progress not perfection…
    Have you tired adding Brewer’s Yeast to your smoothies — good for protein and the B’s except for B12? I’m going to try adding it in for myself next paycheck.

    Germany is beautiful and hopefully Jasmine will love it, but soon return home. It’s hard when your kids first go away. Very hard.

    1. Linda, no, haven’t tried Brewers Yeast. I will look into it. Thank you.
      You are also right, “progress not perfection”. I tend to skip over to being perfectionist immediately and need the reminder.
      I am finding that I need to get a bigger life than my kids since they will always be running off somewhere without me…..

    1. I think you will really like it here. That header is our old “tobacco” shed. I want to keep the shell but convert it to a garage or something.

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